Wednesday, December 12, 2007

I can only hope

Remember the feeling you got when Samantha finally got her wish, and celebrated her 16th birthday with dreamy Jake. Well, I want to be able to celebrate the 16 week anniversary of our wait! I am crawling out of my skin. I am usually so in control. And really, that IS the problem. I feel like my life is on hold. Completely at the mercy of others whom are sooooo far away. I'm not saying that they do not care, because indeed they do care and quite deeply, in fact. It is just that I want to move on, I want to go forward, I want to proceed, I need to know and feel that things are happening. The thing is that while you are preparing your paperwork, somehow it seems that you have control over the situation. I am aware that "things" are happening, but what those things are, I have not clue. I am desperate, and nothing I do keeps my mind off of Celeste. I need to, at the very least, see her little face. I need to know she is out there, because right now she doesn't seem quite real. For those of you that have a biological child, this feels, kind of like when you are first pregnant but, have not heard the heart beat, or seen an ultrasound, or felt a flutter, or see your belly get larger, or your breasts tender...like nothing is different!
I also feel quite pathetic. I actually called Mary T. today to tell her I needed reassurance and some sort of information. I dropped the charade of calling her with any lame excuse, I cannot pretend anymore. I have lost all patience and need to be brought back to center!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3 comments:

The Breedlove family said...

Man...you nailed my sentiments EXACTLY!!! I have never felt like this before. I feel like a nervous wreck from the time I get up until I go to sleep...then sometimes during the night too. I told my husband last night that I don't think I can take much more of this. My physical well being depends upon me getting a referral! So, what did Mary tell you? Anything that gave you any assurance? I know, like you, that they are doing all they can do to make sure everything is in order before they make a referral. I also know that I would rather have things in order rather than risk something going horribly wrong after the referral. However, I have to admit that I am a wee bit jealous of these people with other agencies that get to find out what number they are on the waiting list, etc...It would just be so nice to know SOMETHING!! I feel like a crazy woman!

Take care and I SOOO hope that this is the big referral week...there are still 2.5 days left!
Amy

Drew Carey Show said...

Okay, I'm checking in almost daily now for your referral! I'm wondering if we met her -- or even have pictures of her from our trip. There were so many beautiful babies there -- and many girls! Can't wait to see who she is. Soon, so soon! Our referral took 13 weeks, but Ethiopia Mama's was 16. Yours has to be any day now! You have to call me as soon as you know! XOXO Carey

Scott & Emily Lydick said...

I am right there with you!!! It's all I seem to think about now. Doesn't seem to matter what I'm doing, I'm wondering when we're going to get the call. I'm still hoping that we'll (and you) will hear by Christmas!!!-Emily